Ignorance is Bliss

Just a note before I begin my thoughts for the day:  I am grateful!  Thankful that Bella is here with us.  Grateful for the progress she is making.  Thankful because things could be worse. 

Now, having said that.  I am learning that the old saying "ignorance is bliss" is very true.  Not ignorant in a bad way.  Let me try to explain.

I miss the days when:

The baby crying meant one of three things:  feed me, change me, put me to sleep.  Now, is could mean those same things or it could mean the shunt isn't working, the blood in the poop is more serious then the doctors think.  Or it could really just mean feed me, change my diaper, and put me to bed. 

Breastfeeding was so simple.  The baby cried you put them to breast and bam, baby and mom are doing great.  Now, I am used to numbers.  That is something the NICU will do to you.  It is all about numbers.  How much volume per feed.  How many ounces of weight gain.  How often you feed.  Babies in the NICU eat a certain amount at a certain time.  When they send you home it becomes a different ball game.  So breastfeeding is no longer easy for me.  I am in a constant state of "did she get enough to eat?  Should I give her a bottle just in case?  Is she gaining enough weight?  Should I be fortifying more of her bottles so she gets more calories.  Is it something I am eating that is causing the blood in her poop?"

A slight fever, a stuffy nose or increased crankiness was something you could just wait and watch.  Now, it is, do I call the pediatrician or do I call the neurosurgeon or both.  Can you say PANIC!!

I miss the days when my medical knowledge of babies involved words like: colic, diaper rash, and reflux.  Now, it is: chronic lung disease, retinopathy of prematurity, intraventricular hemorrhage, periventricular leukomalacia, sub galeal shunts and so many types of therapy I won't name them.

I know that the blessings of the last 5 months WAY out weigh the negative.  I still just have to mourn my lost ignorance.   Lost are my days of not worrying about every little thing and wondering what it means.  Gained is my increased faith,  my reliance on my Heavenly Father, a knowledge that Jesus is the Christ and that he died for me, that He sent Bella with a specific purpose to bless and enrich the lives of everyone she meets.  Gained is my greater appreciation for my children and my husband.  Gained is my increased ability to want to serve those around me.

It is hard to grow sometimes.  Sometimes, it would be easier to stay in the "comfort bubble".