Bella is 2 tomorrow!!

I can't believe that in a few hours Bella will be 2!!  Can it really have been 2 years ago that our lives changed so dramatically?  I have had a rough month.  This birthday has been harder for me then her first.  On her first birthday, after you adjusted her age for prematurity and then considered all the surgeries she had gone through, she wasn't really that far behind on what you would expect her to be doing.  This year, however, we still aren't sitting, or talking, or eating, or....you get the idea.  Don't get me wrong she has accomplished so much this last year, it truly has been amazing.  BUT she is now over a year behind in most developmental milestone and that is hard.  It is agonizing to watch your child struggle everyday to do things that should be so easy (like catching or righting yourself when you start to tip over or holding your head up).  Being sad about this doesn't negate my gratefulness for everything she is doing.  Never at anytime will you hear me say I'm not grateful but it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't ache for all the obstacles she has.  I secretly in my heart hoped that by two she would have been one of those babies who beat the odds.  One who walked away from extreme prematurity with little if any lasting disabilities.  Reality and acceptance of where we are now comes slowly.  Sometimes I take one step forward and then 50 back in my coping ability.  Sometimes it seems surreal to think I am now doing the one thing I never imagined I would be strong enough to do. It is hard to not stress about where we will be in 5, 10, 20 years.  I have to keep reminding myself to live today and enjoy each moment, not only with her but with each of my children and my husband.  

Everyday this month I have found myself saying, "Two years ago I was..."  Constantly reliving the events and days prior to Bella's birth.  As a mother of a preemie I live daily with the guilt that my body failed her.  She was cruising right along and it was a problem on my side of things that triggered her immediate and frightening birth.  As I watch her work so hard in therapy the guilt, at times, becomes unbearable and I want to break down and cry.  Today has been especially hard because I keep thinking "what if".  What if I hadn't gotten out of bed so many times that day?  What if I had demanded the steroid shots earlier?  What if her birth hadn't been so emergent, would she have had such a massive brain bleed?  What if, what if, what if.  I know logically that I can't play that game but sometimes my heart just can't help it. 

So in an effort to find the right perspective I have been saying, "What if I hadn't already been in the hospital the night she was born?  What if my doctor hadn't come to the hospital to check on me and decided to stay a few hours to make sure everything was stable?"  I'll tell you where I would have been and that is not here raising 4 beautiful children and loving one amazing husband.  I'd be watching from heaven.  I think with time it has become clearer just how close both Bella and I came to not making it.  As I look back at the night she was born I can see God's hand so clearly.  He made sure everyone was where they needed to be at just the right time. 

Tomorrow will be a beautiful day!  Bella is my proof that God still sends miracles.  Because of her I have realized just how many miracles we have been given.  I look at my older children and see the amazing miracle that each of them are.  That I was able to carry 3 pregnancies to term and deliver 3 healthy babies is now miraculous to me.  How lucky I am to have all my children here with me!!

So as we count down the hours until December 11, I choose to celebrate!!  Celebrate the little girl who's laughter brightens the darkest of days.  The little girl who has taught me so much about my Savior and Gods loves for me.   The little girl who has strengthened me in so many ways. The angel that got to stay.