The last two years have taught me so much. I’ve learned so much about myself. I’ve also realized how much I took things for granted. This isn’t to say that I am complaining or saying I’m not grateful for Bella or all she has accomplished, I’m just saying that I didn’t realize how many of the little things that came so easily to my older children I didn’t ever think about. When you watch your child struggle with every little milestone you pay more attention. You celebrate the things you once didn’t give much thought. When Ally sat up for the first time we were so excited but I never realized how instinctual so much of it was. The same with crawling or walking. Bella is pretty much stuck where we put her. She can explore her environment on a very limited basis. She doesn’t learn by mimicking behavior because she can’t follow me around they way my older children did. She is also getting to the point where she knows what she wants to do but is limited by a body that won’t allow her to do what her brains says it wants to do. As we have been on our journey through special needs I’ve been thinking of all the things that my other kids did that I took for granted. Here is just a partial list of things I took for granted:
1. Being able to deliver a baby that was healthy and went home with me after 24-48 hours in the hospital.
2. Holding my baby the moment she was born. Bella was a couple of weeks old when I had the opportunity to hold her for the first time and it was a terrifying and miraculous moment all at one time.
3. Watching my older children meet developmental milestone. Do you realize what all goes into sitting up or rolling over? I never thought about how easily these things came to our older children. There are days that I tell myself, “If Bella can just learn to sit up and interact with her environment that would be enough for me.”
4.'Eating. I never knew the heartache and helplessness that comes with watching your child be unable to eat.
5.Going to the grocery store without being in a frenzy about all the germs and hosing down everything with sanitizer. I took my son out when he was just a few months old to, gasp, Walmart right in the middle of cold, flu and RSV season! Who knew to be worried, not me!
6. Not being required to have an “unofficial” medical degree. I have learned more medical terminology and procedures over the last 2 years to last me a life time.
7. Being able to pack up at the drop of the hat and go camping, swimming, family outings, you name it. All those things that we did on a daily basis now require extra time, effort, and a lot of equipment.
8. Being able to go to the doctor’s office or the dentist or visit a hospital without it triggering PTSD in my child.
9. Talking. When Bella was born, her not talking was something that never entered my mind as something she wouldn’t do or would struggle to do. Oh how I want to verbally communicate with her!
10. Having full function of your body. Until Bella non of my children struggled with physical disability. Watching Bella in therapy struggling to hold her left hand open, hold her head up, extend her upper back, clap her hands, sit, roll over, etc. is heartbreaking and yet at the same time joyous beyond measure!
Nothing in this world or out of it would make me trade Bella. She is who God intended her to be. I’ve learned lessons from her that I wouldn’t have learned any other way. She has brought our family closer in so many ways. She has made me appreciate and be more aware of the blessings I enjoy with our 3 older children. She has taught us to enjoy the small moments. To let go of the things that we don’t have control over and rely more on the wisdom and direction from our Heavenly Father. We have witnessed miracle after miracle not only with Bella but in the lives of others that we have been blessed to meet because of her. I think of the people I am now honored to call friend that I wouldn’t have known without Bella.
That said I am all too keenly aware of the things that prior to 2 1/2 years ago I never gave a moments thought to. I hope we take the time to celebrate the little things more. To relish in the beauty of life and give thanks for the small things that seem so common that we sometimes forget how miraculous they really are.
Nothing will change you or your life more than a tragedy with a child. I'm grateful that ours was having a preemie, not loosing one. It's impossible to get others to understand the thoughts, fears, emotions and joys that come with a preemie no matter how hard or minor their struggle is. Watching a precious, innocent gift fight for every breath and everything from there on, is an experience that can't be truly understood without living it. I hope some day to be able to share my experience through this journey with others as I know how much it has helped me to hear the struggles, victories, thoughts, fears, etc of others.
ReplyDeleteI am a labor and delivery and perdiatric/baby nurse of 12 years. Although you wouldn't know that by my lack of ability to carry on a functional conversation with Brynlee's medical team for months, I understood fully what was going on and what to expect and how to care for my child medically. I ache everyday for you moms that have to start this game from scratch. I'm flabergasted by how truly knowlegdeable you become and how strong you are.
Thank you for sharing your struggles and victories. It makes all the differen! The uncertainities of what our journey will bring us still lay ahead but im grateful that Heavenly Father chose me to take them.
With Love and Respect,
Heather Carter
Mommy of a 27 week preemie